Even if you’re not into the S&M and homoerotic snuff scene of JC’s death or the paedophilia within the RC church, there’s still something for everyone. Homophobic bigot? Islam should do it for you. Wild about virgins? The religion of Mary, the eternal virgin, scores high – just like that other fantasy Mary, practically perfect in every way. And, get this, no matter how sick your sexual preference, simply pray for forgiveness and it’s yours. Absolution. The perfect Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Can’t choose? You may not have to. With Islam’s chopping off hands and heads and generally blowing people to bits, and the new penchant Judaism has for selling body parts in New Jersey, I’m optimistic for a 2010 merger! More money than oil. What about the Middle East problem I hear you fret – to lose so much suffering, guilt, hatred, where would religion be without it? But hey! The imaginary powers of religion for inventing irrational lost causes won’t let us down!

Religion. Awesome. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?