20,000 years ago Jarvey Gonzaga started taking his Tyson’s. To put that into perspective, when he started the treatment, the whole of written human history was 7,000 years. I turned 8,425 last month.

Jarvey has seen more of human history than any other man alive.

Jarvey wasn’t the first man to take the treatment. There were others before him, but they are all dead now. Accidents or infectious disease or war took them all.

It is because Jarvey is such a survivor that makes his decision all the more perplexing. Today Jarvey volunteered to stop his treatments. He was 25 when he started them. Scientist predict that his aging process will restart some time next year. It’s odd to think that Jarvey will only be a part of history in 50 or 60 short years.

The man on the news asked Jarvey why he did it, why had he given up. Jarvey’s answer was simplicity itself. “Well,” Jarvey said, “I finally visited every titty bar in the known universe.”

Jarvey was always saying things like that. He was kind of a douche.