A quick doodlydoo to help me get out of my less than pleasant mood.

“Their tongues danced in celebration of their lust.” I loved this line.

In the second to the last line, there’s a ‘his’ that should be ‘hers’…but regardless, it’s a good scene, and I hope it helps you get rid of the mood you’re in (or mebbe not, if it helps you write this well ;) ).

Thank you for bringing that to my attention~ Edited.

I was actually wondering if that line would come off as kind of… corny. Nice to know it fits.

I tend to find overly technical sex scenes to be lacking…unless there’s a reason for it story wise. That line was poetic, and it gave emotion to the scene.

Now that hardly seems like an expression of hatred, but maybe that’s just me.

sylven quit crying it aint that bad…oh i get it that is just an icon and it’s always craying. sorry i just woke up. i like the narrative.

What have I taught you, boy?! First sentence, “an”. :]

On a serious note, I love this. Why? Because it is definitely something raw, left on the table for anybody. It’s great, and completely unexpected from you (for some reason). I mean, could you imagine ME writing something like this? Haha.

On an even more serious note, reading this, I think many people would share a feeling, kind of similar to that of fear. It kind of speaks to people and in a way, rips at them. So far, I like this one most.

Edited again, Platy- I’m beginning to remember why I should not write when I’m tired.

And yeah, this is way out of my normal style. It came to me in a kind of rush, so I sort of went with it. I definitely cannot imagine you writing something like it. But you should try.

Cripes, dear.

I definitely didn’t see that last line coming. It’s bitter, defining, and most of all brutal. It’s a bit of a slap in the face and quite frankly I think it works well.

All in all, this is probably one of your best works.

Excellent. I get it…