I like the feel of it being a moment pulled from the middle of a larger adventure and story. The narration felt a bit loose, but maybe it goes with the character. I think it’s cause it’s much lighter than the plot elements, so it winds up feeling up and down [down in the tension of the situation, up to this sort of airy, ha-ha-ha retrospective discussion of it]. Both styles work, but it bounces back and forth so quickly each seems out of place. Might work better in general with either this sort of fun narration set up and then into the action for the duration or jumping into the action and then popping up for air at the end. Just a thought.

OhMyGod. This is really good.

Hey thanks, guys!