I’m a little confused by this story. I’m left not knowing the relationship between the protagonist and Jazzi. The protagonist has motherly feelings towards Jazzi but is clearly still at school herself; I can’t tell if Jazzi is her daughter or little sister or what?

What is your desired destination? This is the first time any destinations have cropped up in the story and we’re not included in the secret. It’s OK for the reader not to know, but it’s easier on the eye to be told in advance that there is a destination. Given that this is a dream sequence, however, you can probably get away with some confusion.

Like the sequel (which I commented on first), this one is a bit direct for me. It’s a string of events and I don’t really know how they are affecting the characters. You’ve got 180 characters left in this one, so there’s room for a bit more description. Show me the emotions.

I hope I’m not coming across negatively: I like what you’ve written and I hope my criticism is constructive.

Well, they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery. I’ve stolen your story and thrown my own slant on it for your reading pleasure. I hope you like it.