Date: -

Name: God

Subject: Revelations

Recipient(s): All

It has come to My attention that certain future events have been released to the public. Let it be known that the so-called “Book of Revelations” was intended to be strictly eyes-only, and not for wide viewing by the public at large.

This has led to many people attempting to determine when, where, and how My Son, Jesus, would be returning to Earth. Fortunately, I did not grace them with sufficient brains to determine the exact details, but the fact that they are expecting it has caused me to push back plans for the next 1,000 years.

As such, let it be known that all vacation time, pay raises, and miracles have been put on hold until further notice, pending an investigation into this matter. And, as I am All-Knowing™ and All-Seeing™, I already know who you are, Tim, and you will be punished accordingly.

Y.