As my crusty eyelids peal open, I notice the insurmountable abundance of clutter and disarray which so rapidly has invaded my bedroom. I must’ve cleaned it last Saturday. Today’s Wednesday.. holy shit, I’m a pig. Pizza boxes, empty PBR cans, a mountain of soiled clothes. I’m just going to slowly close my eyes and back away from consciousness for a little while longer , I think as my eyes flutter closed and I casually scratch my left boob.

MY LEFT BOOB?! When did I get a boob? Practically levitating out of bed, I scour at my naked female body. When did I get two boobs?!

My gaze escapes focus as I gander past my new-found cleavage. Oh no.