HNN’s scientific fields corespondent, Dr. Albenhoff, has conducted a long straineous project to find the affects of citrus fruit on peoples health. Over one-hundred people were fed citrus fruit, from age 2 to 60, and observed over hundred and twenty year period. “What we found is that after 120 years of close observation,” stated Dr. Albenhoff, “100% of the test subjects had died.” Albenhoff also noted that the oldest people began to die off first. “If your seventy years old and eat lots of citrus you may die within the next one to forty years.” Many doubters say the test subjects deaths were from natural causes and getting hit by buses.

The citrus we used was all natural and transported via buses.

We are now in conference with other news stations to see if they will spread the word. They said, and I quote, “You do know people die from old age right? Jeez, you’re all idiots!” However Albenhoff countered saying, “100% of people who eat citrus fruit die of old age you say? That just can’t be a coincidence!”