interesting. i would like to read more of David’s emotional view of the scene, or to read it from Sarah’s pov instead.

the scene was a lot more vivid in my head but I had to condense it down way more than i wanted to. I tried to get as much across as I could but I’m not overjoyed with the end result

I like it. Sometimes that condensing thing kills the emotions…I noticed on some of my work too. You did good to ge the reader into the story. Great job

hmm if you took out a little about the room, you could add a little more to the story about his emotions.. if that helps..

i liked it, i think it tells a lot, it sure put a lump in my throat!