this could have a great sequel…but proofread….“mother soon followed and told jack to stay close to ‘his’ side” Whose side? And you need some periods so we know when the sentence ends…….sorry so harsh

you started this so well, but when did James become Jack? or did Jack become James? and then you threw in the runons. mostly, you’re telling us the train staff disappeared, but HOW does HE know? let him discover it..so we can discover it with him, keep some secrets to up the suspense.

good advice and and this isnt a sequel its a completley diffrent story

Where did all the punctuation marks go? I think there’s an exciting story in there, but I couldn’t hardly read the darn thing cause it all ran together.

describing 2 men in black and blue coats that soon arrived, then starting the next paragraph saying they never arrived at all, was a bit confusing. It didn’t seem to advance the plot, so mentioning them wasn’t needed.

I agree with the puncuation comments.

Also, James is a very near and dear name.

if by that you mean you have a boyfriend/someone in your family called james

IM NOT PSHYCICK !!!

I like this. You have a really good imagination.