I chose not to use any contractions as part of the exercise.

Also, to help me recover from my recent story ’Surprise!" Too many damn apostrophes.

I didn’t quite follow the sentence “She can grunt, or cry, not move” I think it’s missing a conjunction.

yeah but the villainy, the cruelty, the rage.. so well captured.

Fair enough, added a “but”. Thanks for the tip!

Nicely vicious, if nice is the right word. My only minor quibble is ‘bathroom’, but now I’m can’t think of single syllable alternatives for bathroom…

Match: loo, bog, can, head.

Sorry, I’m finding the prose a little too clunky. It reads, to me, like the author was working so hard to meet the terms of the challenge that the flow was lost. Matter of taste, I guess.

Great story idea with a lot of emotions swirling around, especially once you let out that reveal in the last sentence.

Have to agree with ethel that the challenge tripped you up here and it wound up clunky.

Just for the record, like hell I’m gonna use any of those words: Loo? Too England, Head? Too Navy. Etc.
I’m not instilling my story with context of place just to fix that. I opted to change it to “room”.

It partially depends on how you read it. But I am wishing I’d used contractions. It really stumbles over the pronouns without them. Thanks all for the

I like how you imply they’re at a party without saying “party.” Obviously, because that’s a two-syllable word. But somehow omitting that crucial word makes the story much more sinister.

…or maybe, there’s no party and I’m just reading in details you never intended? Either way, nice story.

Nicely done… bro! I agree however that the flow is not perfect. Too many word choices stand out. It feels like a non-native English speaker, but without the context of a specific narrative it feels so intimate that I can’t imagine the protagonist not picking a familiar tongue.

(Seriously, he’s my brother, and now I’m probably going to think of this story every time he greets me.)