What's it like to be the Scorpion King?

You do not bleed.

Micheal Clark Duncan is your friend after you beat him with your best takedowns.

Kelly Hu is pretty hot. She sees the future. She is terrified of fire and small children.

You are friends with a half-man, half-gecko.

Medallions are a way to menace your enemies.

When you swing a sword, there is a 50% chance it will break in half.

Spitting in the face of historical accuracy, your teeth are perfect straight and white.

Kelly Hu will steal your camel after a one-night stand.

Leave the drag to Micheal Clark Duncan when you storm a palace. You take care of the guys on the battlements.

Your worst enemy is Memnon. Ancient Egypt’s Pablo Escobar (he will ace a dude at a dinner party to prove a point).

Overall, the movie is a longer episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

It’s OK. You’ll do a movie with Stiffler.

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