Sad, pained, and liltingly beautiful. Really nice job depicted an all-too-common tragedy.

Overall a pretty nice piece of work. I liked it except for two things really. The POV change in line two to give us the rhyming “You” really threw me out of the rhythm you’d started. And then some of the later lines where the beat’s per line changed also interrupted the flow.

Otherwise not a bad job.

Oh, did you mean “Come over her.” or “Come over here.” ?

S.J.

appreciate the feedback sj. I was hoping the “you” part wasn’t noticeable, and made the her/here change

Well that was heavy to be the first thing I read , and be the first thing to start my day! However, it was good, simple and well written.

I dunno I read too much I guess and little things like that really jump out at me.

as I said though overall a good peice.

S.J.

piece that is LOL

S.J.

made a few edits. thanks sj

I’m new to this site. . . actually this is one of the first things I’ve read (not including my daughter’s stuff). I thought it was really great. The only thing that felt a little off to me was the last rhyme (cry to sleep/soul to keep) I don’t know for me it’s kind of too sweet a rhyme for this (sweet suicide?), or too common a phrase, or something. . . oh, what do I know? I really enjoyed reading it.

Yeah, the last 2 lines don’t keep with the same meter and flow… Sometimes my muses confuse even me.

wow, when i read this i was constantly thinking how you came up with these idea’s! its amazing, i agree with the last two line’s, but that really doesn’t matter, 5 pencils :)

Yowch.

Hideous stuff. Very powerful. Leaves me shaking.

very powerful, you’re a great writer

powerful. I’m blown away!