describing a ghost as ghost-like is kinda redundant and not very descriptive. Describe the actual clothes maybe too, something that gives meaning to where she is from. What you have here is someone without a name and whose name I don’t really care to know. Make me care I don’t know it, but want to find out.

okay, i dont think im going to re-do this, as i only signed up today, and i did this in about 5 minutes.

I wish I could disagree with Twyst’s rude comment…but the story seemed a little non-descriptive, and vague…but not in a mysterious way. Overall a good read.

Oh, and WELCOME TO FICLY . I hope Twyst’s rudeness doesn’t keep you from writing more stuff.

And get a PIC, it shows commitment.

Thankyou! i admit i felt like stopping completley, but thankyou for the comment, i probaly have a lot more to learn seeing as im 15, i dont know what picture to use though?

it doesn’t matter if your 15 or 50, this is a great site to just throw out story ideas, or write your Magnum Opus. There are writers of all levels, and this story was a good read, it just needed a little something to take it to the next level.

As to the pic, it’s all a matter of taste. You can always change it later anyway.

Thankyou, now i read it i think its awful, im trying to do a poem but now ive had some bad criteria iv’e just become even more critical about my writing. Thanks for the comments though, they have helped alot! :D

Hello there!
I think this is a great “Ficlet” as they call it, great descriptions and use of words!

thankyou Elliot, you should put a story on here, i would love to read it :)

Right – it’s not awful :)

Getting used to the restrictions of Ficly can be difficult, and I think this story feels a little disjointed and rushed because of that – but (!) I am intrigued…

Yes it could be improved, but it’s got something about it… Don’t be afraid of editing post-publication, if you think you can lift the quality then people respect you for that, and in many cases re-review :) Keep writing!

Thanks :D yes, i admit it was a bit rushed, i didn’t realise you could edit, so i’ll have a go at it :)

This story is really intriguing for me. It makes me want to read more as i would like to know more about the character. I think that your use of vocabulary is very strong and think that this was an excellent first read!

short, and creepy, but not bad for 5 minutes’ work!
welcome to ficly, and have fun.

i thought it was pretty neat

Very nice. It took me until the end to realize you were describing a ghost.

Thanks guys :D and please keep rating :)

I don’t think that Twyst’s comment was rude. Abrupt, maybe, but not actually rude, and I agree with most of what he said.

Having said that, I will proceed by encouraging you to write and write and write. You only get better through practise. This isn’t the forum to worry too much about reactions. Just write and post. Some feedback will be good some less so. I guess that the key is to learn from the criticism. It is a call to do the next one better, not telling you that you shouldn’t have done this one.

Now, go forth and write some more.

I agree with the esteemed gentlewriters above in encouraging you to take your time. I liked your story overall; it just had a little “run-on” feel, and some rhythm issues.

Write, then read. Feel out the rhythm as you read it back. Use words that you like. Discipline yourself on paragraphing and puncuating.

Besides that stuff, just try to have fun. Welcome!!