I really liked this short piece, its incredibly discriptive and it allows the reader to sympathise with the character :) really good read :D keep it up fellow newcomer :)

Gorgeous piece!
Im new here too by the way <3

Thank you Anonymous! and you too Porcelain! Welcome to ficly aswell!

Very descriptive, I’d say even evocative, in a sad way. I think you could put a space between your thoughts to make this easy on the eyes. You could also put a shirt description of the building or the weather in there, or the street to give us more of a picture, but these would only flesh out teh piece. What you have is a basic, pure, bare bones scene of silent agony.

Very heartfelt and moving. the word “thus” is incorrectly used, and the word “though” or “although” would be a better fit.
I did feel it to be a bit over described in places; for example, “my royal blue eyes” could have been reduced to “my eyes” without taking anything away from the story. Sometimes, more is said with less.

and Welcome to Ficly!

I did originally have ‘blue eyes’ but thought it would be better more descriptive? But yes, I understand where you are coming from. But I do think ‘thus’ is used correctly here, as I am using it as a ‘but’. But thanks for the advice! And yes thank you :) I’m rather enjoying it here.

Alas, I’ll never know the pain of seperation and loneliness from being too beautiful (which likely isn’t the primary cause of the narator’s pain, but surely is lengthening it). I like the royal blue eyes, it is far too easy to forget that the people we are jealous of for their beauty are just people too.

I don’t really understand what you mean at the start but thank you anyway :)

I like this… I can see where the ‘royal blue’ thing would split people, I personally think that sometimes less IS more, and though I appreciate that this is intended as a descriptive piece, don’t always think you need to use adjectives to make a story good :)

And ‘thus’ is a synonym of ‘therefore’ as opposed to of ‘but’, so the useage is wrong – the fact it’s poetic doesn’t excuse it not making sense! But nice first story…