I hope you all like this, I wrote it on my phone at three in the morning drugged up on caffiene :) So I do apologize if it is a bit weak.

Thank you! I wasn’t sure about the title though. I couldn’t decide about it unsure about whether to say it was his birthday, or calling it something that related more to the pain he was experiencing. But i went with the birthday choice as i thought the reader would sympathise more with the character.

this is really good :) It isnt made clear that the character is a ‘he’ as you refer it too. 4 out of 5 :)

Thankyou and I didnt want to make it obvious but I imagined them as a male. I hope this came across well.

Very strong and descriptive imagery :)
I loved how you described the different actions. <3

Thank you :)

Nope, I saw female! The beginning was wordy, you were trying too hard.
“Every breath I took consisted of all that was left of me and each breath became harder to achieve as my chest tightened fiercely.” Do you talk like that? I bet you say, “Every breath held all that was left of me. Each one harder to take as my chest tightened fiercely.”
Where was he trapped? I wanna know! This is a tenses scene, full of physical descriptions; I love the eyelids closing! I know you are going to write something so vivid and emotional, you’ll blow us all out of the water!

P.S. maybe the title should be happy deathday?
and I meant ‘tense’ not tenses.

Aw thank you, some really nice comments there :) and he’s not necessarily trapped anywhere. I wrote it as if he was dying; describing the pain the was overcoming him. I imagined an old man lying on his lounge floor, carpet, clutching his heart as he was having a heart attack. I’m not sure if I describe this well or not but this is just how I imagined it. I’ve never had a heart attack before so I hope I described this well :) and about the title, I think I should keep it as ‘Happy birthday’ as without it, I don’t think readers will understand that it was his birthday.