Very well written. I hope you are looking at a sequel. It is quite intriguing.

Thank you Marli. It might not come soon but I think I will write a sequel.

If you cut out the entire first paragraph, we would be pleasantly surprised at the vampire reveal and this would flow so much better.. Some of us don’t like to be told things, even though Hearteaterfield Estate is clever. You could start it, “In Hearteaterfield Estate in Surrey, England, Emma Fanghouse, forever young, immortally beautiful and witty, hides a dark secret” and just go from there into the dialogue.

I agree with Elsha that the first paragraph gave a little too much information that could have beautifully unfolded as you told the story.

This is a great start for a story about vampiric matchmaking!

Thanks for the advice Elsha Hawk and Krulltar. I have changed the first paragraph. What do you think?

I didn’t see the original first paragraph but the new one is good. In the interests of making the vampire reveal a surprise you’d have to drop the “Vampire Matchmaker” from the title too though.
I do like this story, but I find your prose a little… breathless. No-one manages to just say anything in this, they’re all speaking excitedly (or not) or criticising or…. Sometimes people just say things. (This might be a contentious topic on here however.)
Still, it’s a nicely done story!

i like it!

The edit really works. As for changing the title as hartzia says, I don’t know if I agree; the title gives just enough information about what we are reading. BTW, I upgraded my rating to 5 pencils.

Lines like “Mr Knightley replied rather ominously” are what bad fiction is made of. Adverbs are not your friends.