Crown Me Tarzan, King of Mars

Joined June 2009 and calls twitter.com/KingofMars home.

23 stories, 0 challenges, 104 comments, and 62 friends

I write pulp.



  1. Wilma and Rose and the Rosy-Fingered Dawn

    Rose slipped into Wilma’s room, bearing a tray of tea and toast. As she approached, Wilma turned in her sleep. Her bedclothes shifted, and Rose saw that her housemate slept in the nude. The early morning sunlight outlined Wilma’s exquisite ...

  2. The Melancholy of Black Captain Cole (Mature)

  3. "Your prayers are always answered in the order they're received"

    Longbaugh loomed over his glass of bourbon like a panther about to pounce. His young associate Mr. Parker slouched against the bar, eyes all over a chubby brunette getting sweaty on the dance floor. Longbaugh followed Parker’s eyeline. His eybrow...

  4. "I think a plan is just a list of things that don't happen."

    Bank robbery was a Sucker Bet. Seriously, only an asshole would risk a 20-year bid for a couple grand from a bank teller’s drawer. An asshole or an amateur. Same difference. One-out-of-three bank robbers get picked up by the cops or shot walking ...

  5. Fade up from black. (Warning: Graphic Content) (Mature)

  6. The Last Ranger

    Angel Grove is on fire. Billy kicks Trini so hard she breaks. Zack lays next to me, burning. Tommy and Jason are going to try and take Billy. They’re going to die. We’re all going to die. Billy was the smartest. That’s probably why he...

  7. Love on the Run

    They ran through darkness, through filth, avoiding the jaws and grasping hands of the rat-things that lived in these sewers. They ran because they were desperate and they were fugitives and they were in love. Semyon lead Urnina along a path that only h...

  8. The Old Hang Out

    You ever have those dreams where you’re someplace familiar, but its all just kind of off? You know, just different enough to be weird? I was having one of those moments. Wide awake, though. “Mount Gay and Coke,” I ordered. Looked arou...

  9. Lost on the Island of SUCK

    “That is a terrible likeness,” Jenny said, frowning. “Right,” Gates offered helpfully. “You’ve a bigger arse.” “YOU SUCK!” Jenny bellowed, throwing a punch that connected hard with Gates’ shou...

  10. Good Girls Go to Heaven, Jenny Goes Everywhere

    “Doc,” Jenny said, gesturing at the missile that hung frozen inches away, “we don’t got time.” “What was your name again?” Gates asked. “Jenny. Jenny Everywhere.” “Well, Jenny Jenny Everywhere, I’m a time traveler. You’ll find t...

  11. The Man Out of Time Meets The Girl From Everywhere

    Jenny laughed. “You guys are all the same.” “Trust me love,” Gates replied, sporting the infamous grin that had made knickers drop from here to the Medusa Cascade, “you’ve never met anyone like me.” “Trust me,” Jenny said with a smirk...

  12. Regrets? I've Had a Few...

    Gates watched helplessly as death pirouetted down the hall, trailing smoke and flame. Aware that he’d never get a shot off before the incoming missile put an end to his very, very bad day, all Gates could do was lie back, think of England… and hope...

  13. Breaking Up is Hard (But Rocket Launchers Make it Easier)

    Gates turned the corner in full sprint, and skidded to a stop. “Bollocks!” he shouted. Another hallway. Another dead-end. Gates could pilot a Time!Skiff from one end of space-time to the other, blindfolded, with a bottle of Scotch in his right hand...

  14. Hard Docking at Ludicrous Speed

    “We’re going to ram an Imperial Dreadnought,” I said, watching as the battleship filled the viewscreen. “This is your big plan?” “Ellie, love, that would be suicide,” Gates answered, hands on the control yoke, ...

  15. Still Awake After All These Years (A Tribute to Jack LaLanne)

    It’s 2am. Jack LaLanne is on TV, still selling that damn juicer. Dude’s got to be over 90. Funny; he doesn’t look a day over 75. Now, he’s juicing a potato. Seriously. Who the hell wants to drink a potato? Tasty, starchy potato ...

  16. Alan Gentry's Wonderful Life

    Sometimes, it was too much. Yes, there was the big office, the massive house, the lingerie model wife, the porn star mistress. Being Alan Gentry had its perks. But was any of it worth it? On days like this, he just wanted to get on a plane and just tak...

  17. Nancy Nice and The Mysterious Barn, Pt 2: Nowhere to Go

    Weasel-Face lit up like New Years Eve. He raised his hand, ready to backhand me senseless. “Hey Bo?” I said. “I hope that’s not your jerking hand, because if you touch me again, you’re not getting it back.” Bo paused...

  18. Nancy Nice and The Mysterious Barn, Pt 1: All Tied Up

    There’s nothing like getting slapped REALLY hard in the face to make sure a girl is good and awake. I came to, tied to a chair, surrounded by four mouth breathers. On the plus side, at least the pain in my jaw was distracting me from the pain in ...

  19. Who Said It Was Easy?

    Choking your own mother to death isn’t as difficult as you’d think.

  20. And The Hammer Came Down

    The gun nearly slipped from my shaking fist. I had just killed two men tonight, and I wasn’t done. Not until the entire twisted family payed for what went on here. The old orphanage had seen better days, rain pissing down through the ceiling like...

  21. End Like Flint

    The Town was a simple place, full of simple people, with a simple way of doing things: Barman Ted poured the drinks. The drinks kept the folk who found themselves here from asking questions. Piano Joe played the music. The music kept them content. And ...

  22. Elven Accidents

    The skies glowed red as the forest burned around Kirini and Leilana. “Do something, Leila!” Kirini wailed, the flames leaping from tree to tree, devouring dry grass, creeping closer, trapping the two girls in the eye of a growing inferno. A...

  23. The American Doctor

    I got in early, set up my clinic in the motel room, put my instruments out in neat rows, and waited. My nurse staggered in later, stinking of booze. “Would it kill you to have a little respect for the job?” I asked. She growled something na...

Crown Me Tarzan, King of Mars' Friends (62)

  • THX 0477
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  • Kevin Lawver
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  • Fyora Cartagan
  • Saint Chuck
  • wilw
  • Melia
  • Stovohobo
  • Jason Garber
  • ElshaHawk (LoA)
  • Robotech_Master
  • wordwill
  • Alexa Reed (LoA)
  • Les Orchard
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  • Cody Walton
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  • Ben Paddon
  • Petros
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  • Reverend Speed
  • Wednesday [PJ] ((LoA))
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  • Eckhouse
  • Anonymuncule
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  • Kay-Teaze

Crown Me Tarzan, King of Mars' Followers (32)

  • Saint Chuck
  • Ana Cristina
  • uselessness
  • Alexa Reed (LoA)
  • Mighty-Joe Young (A.K.A Strong Coffee)(LoA)
  • Nouvelle Bardot
  • Cody Walton
  • Abstract
  • THX 0477
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  • Eckhouse
  • The Third Robot
  • Kay-Teaze
  • Robert Quick
  • Stovohobo
  • Gradual Uprising {LoA}
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  • The Fantastic Mister Fish
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