Alcohol Poisoning

Avatar Author: chris Chris chris Read Bio

The man got alcohol poisoning. He drove to the liquor store to get more alcohol but on the way there he was so drunk that he drove into Compton. He did not want liquor any more. what he wanted now was to find a hospital to cure his alcohol poisoning. Finally he found a hospital. He rushed to the emergency room. A young, black doctor helped him right away. Then he threw up alcohol all over the doctors brand new Jordan 2.865734 hyperdunk elite millenium super hop j master sneakers. The doctor looked angry but then he started to laugh. He laughed for about 10 minutes straight until he killed the drunk man by lethal injection (sterilized needle, of course). The doctor was shocked at what he had done but it was what that guy deserved. He shoved the dead man in a duffle bag and dragged him down the hall to the bathroom. He told other doctors that inside the bag was a rabid jamaican starfish that he caught in the parking lot while it was dealing drugs. The doctor ended up flushing the man down the urinal.

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Comments (8 so far!)

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  1. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    while this is imaginative, my guess is that it doesn’t flow with the previous story. Not only that, but it is written with an elementary school number two pencil and illustrated with stick figures. You should work on sticking to a single idea and adding in more details, not to mention sentence structure and varying it. Seeing that your spelling is great, I assume you are not 8 years old. Your writing however…

  2. Avatar chris Chris chris

    It is very childish. There is no such thing as a rabid Jamaican starfish drug-dealer. I believe in rabid starfish, but they are certainly not drug-dealers, nor are they Jamaican. Another aspect of this story which makes it even more childish is that there is no such thing as Jordan 2.865734 hyperdunk elite millenium super hop j master sneakers. Actually, as most people know, they only exist in fairy tales such as The Revolutionary War and Winnie the Pooh. These two details in my story were what made it seem childish. The rest was very mature and well written, I must say. I mean come on you must agree. Only a mature and very well educated person could possibly describe a doctor with such details such as “black” and “young”. Now that I have provided you with a few examples are you yet to understand my point of view? Thank you for reading and please respond with any more criticism you may have towards my story and i will clear it up for you as well as I can.

  3. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    how about different adjectives, and a plot that has some basis in reality? we are serious writers here, thinkers, and will look down on you if you are playing us. Have fun, but be reasonable. how about sentences that are varied in lengths, and begin with appositives?

  4. Avatar chris Chris chris

    You say that “we” are serious writers here. I suppose that when you say we you are referring to all of the people that write stories on this website, yourself included. I did read some of your stories and they are good. But everyone has a different opinion on what stories are good and which ones are not. You may not like my silly way of writing but that does not mean that everyone does not like it. Maybe others find it amusing. I don’t like the idea that you expect me to be the same as everyone else on this site. I want to be creative and different by writing my own types of stories. I am not “playing” anyone I am just simply expressing myself in a different way than others. I can write serious stories but sometimes I like to be weird. Besides I only joined this site yesterday and I have only written one story. I accept your criticism and I do take it as constructive but there are some things that I do not agree with. I will try to write a story that you might like. Please tell me if I did anything else wrong

  5. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    i appreciate your creativity, and by no means do you have to conform, however, I’d like to read something other than gibberish when I click on a prequel to my work. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to discuss this. I know some of what I write is not for everyone. I try a little bit of everything on here. Silliness is accepted, but can be offensive to some. I came off harsh, but I felt a little wounded. Please, go write something nonsensical and see how it goes over. try it.
    P.s. I am a fan of stories like Alice or charlie and the chocolate factory where the world is quite nonsensical and I can appreciate it. We also have random challenges welcoming it. There is a time and place. And I’m not really a spoilsport. I apologize for my offensive stance.

  6. Avatar Mr.Gabriel

    Welcome to Ficly, by the way.

    Okay. I read the prequel and it was amazing, but this… this doesn’t make any sense.

    I don’t get how this even goes with the prequel.

    First off, you don’t even have a story line going on this one. It jumps to five different scenes and it doesn’t connect at all. First the guy is poisoned then the doctor kills him for no reason? What the fuck, that doesn’t even connect slightly.

    Secondly the descriptions… well, there is none. The only thing I can see is some young black doctor. I had to go back and reread it five times to get that he wasn’t a nurse.

    There is no such things as the Jordans you mentioned, and I’m no expert on shoes.

    How the fuck does he flush a human being down a urinal? Doesn’t make the least bit of sense.

    This doesn’t do the prequel any justice and I don’t see the humor at all. It’s stupid and childish. While you clearly don’t know how to form paragraphs, put commas were they belong and use proper punctuation, I have to agree with Elsha.

  7. Avatar Marli

    Number one. Please Gabe refrain from using expletives if youare critiquing. You come across as a spoilt brat not a genuine critiquer. Second I think this guy may be making a play for featuring and honestly I do not like to hurt feelings but back off please.you are not going to win

  8. Avatar chris Chris chris

    I’m sorry Gabe but you seem to be taking this story much too seriously. You may not see the humor in it but I do not understand why you feel the need to pick apart the story and tell me that there is a problem with little things like the shoes. I know there is no such thing as those sneakers but that was not the point of the story the point was do not throw up on nice sneakers or you will be killed

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