Caving In

Avatar Author: Robert Quick A no-name, aspiring author who can't stop writing. Looking ahead, he strives for perfection. Shackled by various forms of entertainment, he dreams of success. Most stories here are an invitation to YOU, to join me in cre... Read Bio

Two lumpy creatures with warty skin, large-ish yellow eyes, and breath that had been known to kill, looked on in horror at where their favorite fishing hole used to be. The moist earth of the ceiling had caved in- no more pool, and no more delicious fishes for anybody.

Goug turned to Nurkl. “How come roof come down?” His voice was tinged with insincere bitterness.

“Because you ugly and stupid. I tolja not to snook down here widdout me and lookit whut happent.”

“I NEVER snuckt wiffout you.” Goug snarled the lie. His skin bumps grew crimson from shame and anger. The fish were so yummy. He’d had to come. “And you ugly n’ stupid.” he added, nodding his head as if agreeing with himself.

“Whudyousay?” Nurkl asked ominously.

“You. Ugly. Stupid.” Goug answered.

And they were off, punching, kicking, and grabbing for each other. Nurkl leapt with a roar and Goug folded under him. They rolled around on the floor, slamming against the walls. Each impact caused tiny trickles of earth to rain from the ceiling…

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Comments (4 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Krulltar

    Wonderful descriptions and a great little story. My only “nitpick” would be in the dialog “How come the roof come down?”…if you got rid of the word “the” it would make that bit of dialog more colloquial, and fit in with the other dialog better.

    BTW, This reminded me of the fight in LOTR between Sméagol and Déagol.

  2. Avatar Tad Winslow

    haha

  3. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    lol, awesome dialogue to cinch the character!

  4. Avatar code dreamboat

    great read, very fun. My only question would be the line “His voice was tinged with insincere bitterness”

    if you dropped the ‘was’, it seems like it would be stronger and fit with the other narrative voice, plus save you 4 characters :) though I’m not sure that’s appropriate usage in this construction.