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Avatar Author: Robert Quick A no-name, aspiring author who can't stop writing. Looking ahead, he strives for perfection. Shackled by various forms of entertainment, he dreams of success. Most stories here are an invitation to YOU, to join me in cre... Read Bio

It wasn’t all bad, all of the time. Some days it was safe to set foot outside while the sun was still in the sky, if there were enough clouds and you were willing to risk it.

Darlene settled back against Dave who was lying on tufts of brown grass, eyes closed.

“I’m glad we came.” She said. “I think it’s good for us. It’s beautiful out here, so different than what they show on t.v., somehow it’s so much more real. Being here makes us more real.”

Dave replied with an ambivalent noise and half of a shrug. It was his way. He knew that Darlene didn’t need much to keep a conversation going.

“Oh my! Look there. It’s so beautiful. What is that?” Darlene gasped.

Opening one eye, Dave looked to see what Darlene was talking about.

Clouds that had hung heavy in the sky were now stretching toward the ground, running like ice cream in the heat. Gossamer strands sparkled as the sky tore itself apart, becoming a waterfall of rainbows.

When Dave spoke his voice was full of wonder and terror. “The sky- it’s melting!”

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Comments (3 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Stovohobo

    I think the too-expository first few sentences take away from what could be more subtle hints (maybe through dialogue?) at the terrible state the world is in. Right now, they feel just a tad preachy instead of emotionally felt, which I think would be much more powerful. The idea at the end is very interesting though, and leads to some intriguing possibilities.

  2. Avatar August 2nd

    I have to agree with Stovohobo. The entire first paragraph, while important to you in terms of setting the stage for the piece, could as easily be omitted and the reader would still be able to figure out what’s going on, I think. We’ve only got 1024 characters to play with. Use them wisely and trust your readers to be able to fill in blanks where they need to.

    Another problem with this type of exposition is that it makes it very difficult to write a prequel that flows into this story, should someone feel inclined to do so.

  3. Avatar Robert Quick

    Edits have been made.