The Final Decision

Amj Author: Lone Writer "Life is an endless parade of stupidity, with no rain in sight." -Lone Writer _Proud Member of the League of Awesomeness!_ *Captiness of the High Seas of Awesomeness* ~!@!@#@$@%$!~ *SERIES I'M IN:* *Welcome T... Read Bio

He looks at the metal monster sitting on the table in front of him. He doesn’t want to touch it or even go near it lest he do something stupid. Taking a deep, trembling breath, he continues to stare at it.

It sneers at him, daring him to do it. This piece of rust wants to take his life and the terrifying thing is he almost wants it to.

The sweat beads on his forehead as he leans forward to touch the freezing plating. As he runs a hand along the tube at the end, he remembers what she said before she left him.

“Now don’t do anything stupid, Jake.” She warned him, eyes mistrusting. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“Then why are you leaving me?” He remembered his voice cracking on the last word.

She avoided his eyes. “It’s best for both of us, Trust me.”

And he did trust her, even after all this time. With tears streaming down his face he flipped the table over and stalked from the room.

The gun lying forgotten on the floor.

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Comments (3 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Spiderj

    The build up here is quite effective and cramming a flashback into such a short story is no mean feat.

    I’d almost be tempted to strip out some of the descriptive elements earlier on so that the actual verbal reveal of the gun at the end is more effective.

    There’s an oft-repeated piece of advice that too many adjectives/adverbs can be detrimental to a piece of writing. I think there’s an element of that here – “This piece of rust wants to take his life” is snappier than “This unmoving piece of rust” and, to my eye, more threatening. The reader knows it is unmoving already so that word becomes redundant.

    Check out this article for more on that:

    http://www.wooptydo.com/?p=458

    Also, it would make more sense grammatically to have “The gun lay forgotten on the floor” and I think it sounds more dramatic as well.

    Try writing a similar piece of prose but with no adjectives/adverbs. You’d be amazed how interesting it could be.

  2. Amj Lone Writer

    Ok Thanks!
    I have removed some of the unneccesary adjectives and it does look a whole lot better to me.
    The last line I think I’ll leave as is, because its supposed to be continuing to be there, sort of timelessly. I don’t know it made sense in my head.

  3. Avatar Spiderj

    You may be right on the last line. If it makes sense in your head, chances are there’s a reason for that and I take your point on ‘lying’ getting across the idea of it just continuing to be.

    Looks good!