i hated it back then
i hated all the things i love now
(i am only a hypocrite to protect you)
and the thought of you doing that to yourself was unbearable

the thought of anything happening to you
was unbearable

of course
something would happen

and i remember
early that early july morning
i was waiting for you
to show up
i sent you message after message
no one had heard from you

two years later they released the video
i watched you die
i watched as you sunk to the bottom
as your lungs filled with water

i waited
and waited
it was a few minutes before any people resurfaced
you were dead,
i remember thinking

i saw it on the news
i saw you
your unmistakeable umbrella
your distinctive fire red hair
i thought i saw them drag your lifeless body from the filthy brown water

i waited up all night worrying
i called you
i called your mom
i called your house
no answer
no one knew where you were

my god
how can you laugh at this now
i was terrified
you were dead
you are dead
i was sure of it