Hybrid Rifle

Avatar Author: Burning Organ I'll be honest: My English isn't that good. Read Bio

Another piece caught my eye.
“What’s this?” I asked the salesman while picking up the rather long rifle.

“Oh you will love this piece. Ever used a magnetic firearm?”

“Yeah. They have their places. And? This one magnetic?”

“Well have you ever used a gun powered by gunpowder?”

“Once… This have any point?”

“This, sir, is the Hybrid Rifle. It starts off by launching the projectile with a specialized explosive power, patent pending, and when the slug is a third way through the gun the magnets start up and gives it even more speed and stability.”

“That sounds counter productive. If the projectile isn’t exactly at the right place when the magnetics kick in it will only slow it down.”

“Which is why the bullets are extremely well engineered and there’s even a computer on the rifle controlling the magnets and the hammer.”

“Okay, sounds like it should punch a hole through a tank.”

“Let’s go to the firing range then, so you can punch some holes through a tank.”

“Yes, let’s. I’m eager to be amazed or amused.”

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Comments (4 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Stovohobo

    I like the tone you use in these pieces. I can imagine a snappily dressed salesman all smiles, flourishing these products to the buyer. Cool ideas and concepts with natural dialogue.

    One thing I would change would be the actual layout of the text. Ficly’s without an indent function, so you make up for that by separating the paragraphs with double spaces, like this:

    “This have any point?”

    “This, sir, is the Hybrid Rifle…”

    It makes it flow better for the reader. Small problem, but if you fix it, it looks much nicer.

  2. Avatar Burning Organ

    Done

    I was thinking I might not have enough characters left to do it since I usually run out and need to re-edit stories.

  3. Avatar John Perkins

    The conversation is natural, and again the idea behind the product is cool. But these both seem to have some buildup to something cool, but then we get no real payoff.

    If this is a series, then I suppose we can wait for a payoff. However, this format kind of relies on a killer ending. I think the penultimate line of punching holes in a tank would have been slightly better for this one. Has more weight than the final line by the main character.

  4. Avatar gĀ²LaPianistaIrlandesa

    Hm… high-tech knives, firearms. This could really lead into something disasterous for the characters, but also something exciting for the reader.

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