Avatar Author: Abby (LoA) Gonna miss you guys so much. My 'official/professional' email is: abbywall2440@gmail.com in case anyone wants to keep in touch! Read Bio

I take a yellow pill to dull the pain – codeine … (an addiction that’s been steadily growing in the shadow of my diminishing alcoholism). I don’t care what you say, I have the right to decide what happens to my own body.

That’s the excuse I sometimes use when I cut myself. That, or the fact that I enjoy the pain. My friend says it’s because I want to be ugly, unattractive.

Because my earliest memory is being raped.

Yeah, that’s generally the point at which people stop reading. But it’s OK. Honestly, it’s OK. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about. It’s just something that happened. In a strict, strait-jacket society that so loves to call me strong but for all its sweet thinking just isn’t quite modern enough to face facts.

Too unpleasant for you? Didn’t happen to you though, did it?

His name was Alan. Fuck! I am high! And he held me down on a toy car map rug. You know, one with little roads on it. I was four. Or five. I can’t quite remember.

‘First world problems’

Heh I’d rather starve.

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Comments (11 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Avatar Iris...Alone

    Wow…this is amazing. Umm….I relate to this….as usual. Keep writing.

  2. Avatar Jim Stitzel

    Dark and compelling.

  3. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    Oh but you do care, deep down. It’s approval we all want, to be loved by someone, but most especially to be loved by ourselves. The self talk can be negative or positive, encouraging or discouraging, but the point is we listen to ourselves over anyone else. Justify it how you want, but (I think) those pills don’t need a reason to exist, you do, little character. He may have started it, but you can finish it. Who is going to get the last laugh?

  4. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    Hope that doesn’t sound discouraging, for I want to push, to challenge, the Character, rather than lecture. Laugh loud and long.

  5. Avatar Abby (LoA)

    It’s interesting. I’ve already forgiven the guy to be honest, but in films and TV shows there’s a certain peace that goes with that forgiveness which doesn’t really exist in real life. The problem is that after 12 years this stuff has become too deeply ingrained in my existence to just move on. The fact that it’s my earliest memory, for instance. I kiss my boyfriend, I think of Alan. It’s very odd.

    I’m actually more intrigued than depressed by it.

    Your words are very much appreciated though =)

  6. Avatar Tad Winslow

    Clever title—illustrating the diversity of the word (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDQCaGlqLFY) literally + figuratively.

    Sickening, although the candidness in which it’s talked about is important and should always be encouraged. Very well written as usual, Abby.

  7. Avatar boxofun

    Well written, very dark! This really draws us into the character. Only one nitpick: I think you meant to type “for all its sweet thinking”

  8. Avatar Abby (LoA)

    oh cheers. silly lil typo.

  9. Avatar ethelthefrog

    Wow. Compellingly told. And you’re right: I have no words to discuss it.

  10. Avatar Crown Me Tarzan, King of Mars

    Very well written and compelling.

  11. Avatar Shamaliane

    I really appreciate the rawness of this. The toy car map road was described perfectly. Thank you.

Whoa there, partner, hold up!

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