A Little to the Left

Avatar Author: Ronnie I have a hard time writing anything unless it makes me feel small and afraid. The universe is immense, and I am but a speck. Read Bio

Koji had failed her. He would not be forgiven, he could not be forgiven. She had died because of him.

The dark man, with skin like rich soil, had looked her straight in the eyes and drew up his sword. Koji let out a cry, hurled his katana and watched as it flipped end over end for the dark man. The sword landed in the ground with a sharp ting a foot behind the dark man as he pushed his blade into her, smiling as she breathed her last breath.

Koji’s whole world fell away at that moment. His life had taken a leap off an impossibly high ledge. He rushed the dark man, running with tears in his eyes. The dark man dove to the side and raised his sword to attack. Koji rolled backwards and grabbed his sword from the ground.

In one deft motion Koji had pressed the blade into his gut and out the side of his abdomen.

“My love,” escaped his lips as he collapsed into his own entrails.

The dark man sheathed his blade and left as Koji’s words vanished on the wind.

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Comments (3 so far!)

  1. Avatar Ronnie

    Meh. I was very unhappy with how this turned out, but deleting it just seemed wrong. You have to wear your failures like a badge of courage.

  2. Avatar Jessica Cahill

    My first reaction is that this scene is much bigger than the ficly format. You might want to write it out in its entirety and post sequels if necessary.

    Also, it took me two or three reads to realize that Koji had committed seppuku instead of killing the dark man.

  3. Avatar Spiderj

    Failure is a strong word! There’s a lot going on here and it’s very difficult to pack action scenes into this character limit.

    I think Jessica’s right in that the scene feels too big, which means the action becomes very fragmented, swinging back and forth.

    It’s like a documentary of an action scene, laying out every movement. I’d suggest going back through and removing any word that seems even slightly redundant – see how much space you have then and try to add in more about Koji’s inner turmoil.

    Quick example of what I mean:

    “He rushed the dark man, running with tears in his eyes. "

    The reader doesn’t need all this – if he’s rushing, why also specify that he’s running? Does it add anything?

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