Timpani Redux

Avatar Author: soup i write stuff sometimes. Read Bio

The sound of the gunshot is resonating in my head; loud and constant, violent and messy, rhythmic and devious.

I pulled the trigger while he screamed, begging me to calm down. I don’t know what it was about him that made it so easy, or that made my reaction so terrible. In that moment, I couldn’t see her face, some part of my mind must have shut it off. I made for my car a few blocks away, puke expelling from my mouth with every misstep.

Even now, as I’m sitting and facing my door, I don’t know whether the pounding is actually resonating in the air or if it’s residing in my head. I don’t know whether the police are out to get me, or if my own mental sanity is about to pull the trigger.

At this point, I don’t know who wants me dead more.

I can still hear the gunshot. Loud, clear, like a drum beating in my mind. Faster, faster. Harder, sharper. The door is shaking in front of me. The handle is spinning in every direction.

The orchestra is reaching it’s finale.

I lift my hands, queuing the crescendo.

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Comments (8 so far!)

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  1. Avatar soup

    So I kind of cheated here.

    There are worse-off pieces than the original version of this I could have redone. I was never really happy with Timpani though, it felt awkward and immature and kind of clunky. Some of the comments on the original address the awkward phrasing of some things that I tweaked in here.

    I really just wanted to redo this story, and this challenge provided me with the proper forum to do so!

  2. Avatar Stockholm

    Wow. That’s an awesome climax. You still don’t know if the person is hallucinating at the very end with the spinning doorhandle or not, but I like it.

  3. Avatar 32 ^2

    Sometimes I have violent nightmares, some of those times I’m the accidental bad guy. In a few of those dreams I accidentally killed someone. The way your story flows is almost how I feel those first 15 seconds as I travel from sleep to reality, I still feel “in trouble”,

    If you’re going to use “sound” then you open up a can of worms by needing to define the gun, which you could do, such as sound of the pistol, sound of the rifle, sound of the shotgun, which all have distinctive sounds. It might be better to leave the idea of sound out.

    Try: The gunshot is resonating in my head; loud and constant.

    It still works, Good example of less is more and opens the sentence up at, to me, adds a little more suspense.

  4. Avatar 32 ^2

    *and

  5. Avatar JonB

    Violent. Hallucinogenic. Definitely one that I’ll remember.

  6. Avatar BiC

    Just goes to show, you should never trust those timpani players. I mean the music’s cool, but there’s something devious about how they beat those drums. Now we know.

  7. Avatar Angela LaFey

    It’s crazy, raw, and interesting. A story to remember.

  8. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Very trippy and has some echoes of the Telltale Heart. Intriguing in its oddity.

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