Jack & Jill.

Avatar Author: Infinity. “Fate is like gravity. You can jump up and down until your heart’s content, but the earth still falls into the sun, and the sun still courses through the galaxy, both indifferent to your short-lived and insignificant defi... Read Bio

Jill sat at the bar with friends and a slam of a door exploded in the bar. A man stumbled towards Jill, she could smell the booze already.
“Jill…” the man slurred.
She could hear the liquid sloshing in his belly. She finally looked at him, “what are you doing, Jack?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Ok…let’s talk outside.”
Jill dragged Jack out and walked to the edge of the hill. Jack started to walk towards her with open arms.
“That’s far enough,” she shivered, “Look, you signed the papers, it’s over.”
“But I know we can fix it!” The tears rolled down his eyes. His hands latched on her shoulders, “YOU STILL LOVE ME!”
“Let go of me, Jack!” She pushed back on him with all her might and as she fell to the ground, he fell down the hill and a sound of cracking skull echoed.
Jill screamed.
People ran out from the bar and looked at the scene. A woman gasped, “Oh my gosh! I think he’s dead!”
The bartender looked over the ledge, “Let the cops find him. Here’s the bar and there he is, everyone knew he was a drunk.”

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Comments (4 so far!)

  1. Avatar Infinity.

    It’s amazinnnnng how much detail I had to cut out of this which was unfortunate. I hope it’s still a decent write anyway. Sorry if I’m rusty, I go through intervals of leaving and coming back so I’m getting back in the swing of things.
    Thanks for reading.

  2. Avatar Jim Stitzel

    I do the same thing quite often — writing here in fits and starts. I also know what you mean about having to pare down the level of detail to fit a story into the given space. As it is, it reads just fine, but if you have a longer version posted somewhere, I’d love to read what your original vision for the story was.

  3. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Nice modernization of the old rhyme, with a heck of a twist. The beginning was a bit dodgy with ‘bar’ twice in one sentence and then a comma splice for the second sentence. Otherwise it reads quite nicely, and a whole lot of story gets fit into this small space.

  4. Avatar Escapist

    “…and Jill came tumbling after.” This got me thinking about what Jill’s inevitable fall would be in this situation. Is it psychological torture, a jail sentence, or maybe even suicide? The twist is well done.

    I agree with Jim above me, it’d be neat to see an original!