Avatar Author: Conjoiner, Rejoinder, Poisoner, Concealer, Revelator [[Wednesday]] Formerly Wednesday [PJ] ((LoA)) *Cheer Captain of the High Seas* in the League of Awesomeness. _“As the tide washed in, the Dutch Tulip Man faced the Ocean: “Conjoiner rejoinder poisoner concealer revelator. Look a... Read Bio

She threw a little sound
Through her two front teeth
That trembled through the ancient ground
And sent the sprites to sleep

Lit by amber fireflies
They slumbered through the years
Till they awoke with widened eyes
Blue with angel tears

For they awoke to chaos
To cities lit by fires
To churches filled with hot gaslight
And shadows in their spires

The little girls weren’t singing
They did not make a sound
Childhood didn’t matter
Their purity was drowned

Their tears fell hard on concrete
So far below the sky
So at that time they turned away
And bid mankind goodbye

So once again they burrowed
Through tunnels, dank and deep
And in the eerie undergrowth
They cried themselves to sleep

They then slept through the ages
Through sun and Spring and snow
But when they did awake once more
They found the world aglow

Wrapped in fresh green grasses
The air was filled with voice
And yet there was no man about
And so the sprites rejoice

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Comments (4 so far!)

  1. Avatar Conjoiner, Rejoinder, Poisoner, Concealer, Revelator [[Wednesday]]

    This is a poem I am writing to perform. I’m looking for constructive feedback so it can be perfect. Thank you :)

  2. Avatar August 2nd

    Do with this what you will… (1) I have no idea who the “she” in the first line refers to. It doesn’t seem to have any connection with anything else in the piece. (2) You changed the rhyme scheme from ABAB in the first 2 stanzas to ABCB in the subsequent ones. (3) The meter doesn’t seem entirely consistent to me. In the 1st stanza, it seems to be 3-3-4-3, but 4-3-4-3 in the 2nd and 3-3-3-3 in the 4th. (4) To me, both “girls” and “child” suggest human-ness which isn’t how you’re using it. (5) The piece is a mix of past and present tense. (6) The references to ‘tunnels’ and ‘drowned’ were unexpected and seem out of place. (7) Lastly, I know exactly what you’re saying with this piece; there’s no ambiguity. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not.

  3. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    I like it. Especially in performance you could emphasize the ‘she’ to mean yourself…though I don’t know that you’re a girl, just that your profile pic is rather feminine. I liked the sound/drowned pairing as well. I think August hit the technical points.

    There is a mix of past and present. Sometimes it works (last line) and other places not as much. Might be a good starting place.

  4. Avatar Conjoiner, Rejoinder, Poisoner, Concealer, Revelator [[Wednesday]]

    It’s me! Wednesday! I am a girl! PJ! Yoohoo!

    Thank you for the feedback. If I’m honest, the ABAB in the first two stanzas was unintentional.

    There’s only one change in tense, and that’s in the final line, which is intentional. Or, I can’t see any others, but I’ve been staring at this poem for way too long.

    I really appreciate your feedback – both of you – and will take it into account.