With thundering paws I traverse my kingdom in the merest of moments. Front door to back. Back door to front. The humans tremble and chatter at the mighty wind of My passing!

The front door is open! The wire-screen stair awaits My conquer!

Up, up, UP I ascend My heavens. I cannot be stopped by the mealy machinations of men. But wait. The wire stops! This cursed door frame bars My way – ha! But not for long! The beckoning top of the open door shall satisfy My perfect purpose! I have arrived…! YES!

I AM SPARTA! LORD OF CATS AND LORD OF LORDS!

I survey my kingdom from on high! Tremble all and hear Me ROAR!

I am satisfied.

I must retire. But what treachery is this? The stairs down are missing. That floor looks distant and hard. They think Me trapped, these pitiful humans. They shall suffer now the full and gratifying pain of My SONG OF DELIVERANCE!

MMMMMMMMRRRRRRROOOOOOOOWWWLLLLRRRRRR!

“Oh no, not again! Bloody cat. Could you get Sparta down off the top of the front door, please love?”