Broken Hearted Girl

Avatar Author: Hypocrite Lecteur NB: I'm just a 16 year old girl so please be nice! I love writing, and decided these school holidays that I will upload a story every 2 days minimum. I know I still have a way to go (keep in mind that most of my stories... Read Bio

She stared unbelievingly at the lips which had just ripped her heart out her chest. The said heart was currently lodged in her throat, she heard it pulse and it made her unable to reply.. She wished she could run away. Away from expectations and away from him.
Away from those awful words he spoke.
He was so flippant, and that made the comment so much more hurtful.
She thought she had a chance. She knew he didn’t like her as much as she liked him. She used to tell herself “with time he’ll realise how great I am, that I’m more than a friend. That I’ve been there all along, that’s what always happens.”
She attempted a bitingly satirical laugh. “Yeah.” She thought. “Always happens… in the movies.”
Plastering a smile, she made up some sort of reply. Her mind was still stuck on his comment, she couldn’t remember what she had said. His words replayed in her head.
“I’ve liked Julia for months. I thought everyone knew? Gosh, who else would I like? The only other girl is you and we both know THAT will never happen.”

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Comments (6 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Yeah, that is a brutal line, especially to be said so carelessly. Definitely felt for your protagonist here.
    The run-on sentence in the first paragraph made for a rough start, as well as some sentence structure stuff in the middle. Still, on the whole, nicely written moment of relationship pain.

  2. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    ouch! i like the first paragraph, minus the grammar errors, it sets the tone for the whole piece. Nice set up to the line at the end. My only critique, focusing on the lips, which is great, made me think he’d kissed her.. even though you said ‘those awful words he spoke’. maybe if you changed it to ‘those awful words his lips had uttered.’

  3. Avatar Hypocrite Lecteur

    Thanks for the constructive criticism, helped a lot!

  4. Avatar Pyropunk 51 (PPP LoA)

    ouch. I had to read the sentence starting with “The said heart…” twice because of the line break and you already indicated it was ripped out of her chest and now it’s stuck in her throat.

  5. Avatar Pyropunk 51 (PPP LoA)

    Oh and I like to give my characters names unless I write in the first voice. Makes them even more human.

  6. Avatar Hypocrite Lecteur

    Well I saw it as it had been ripped out of her chest, but not necessarily her body.
    Good point about names, however in this story I liked the fact that they were ambiguous as I think the situation can relate to a lot of people.