Cute, the pillowfight and stare down, the stupid conversation about nothing. I can see the giant elephant in the room, oh yes.

Kind of cute. I think I would have liked to know their ages.

wow…um? Somehow in the 1024 words allotted you managed to choose every wrong word possible. This is a very simple and straightforward situation so describe it the same way. Be careful with your word choices and overly complex grammar. Ex: “In a rare moment of truce, the two flit their gazes from eye to eye…” Less is more. “They looked at each other.” You’re losing whatever point it is you’re trying to make by dancing around it and not writing in concise phrases. (See? I was going to put “short, honest phrases,” but “concise” was a better word choice) Good luck with your writing.

Thisisthegirl, while I do appreciate that you’re providing constructive criticism (and being fairly non-inflammatory), I have to disagree with you.

The elaborate phrasing, to me, at least, suggests that although this appears to be a throwaway conversation, it’s meaningful, and it matters very much to both characters. “They looked at each other,” while concise, isn’t very descriptive of how they looked at each other.

Achalkboardsmemory, I enjoyed the story very much. It’s well told and well written.

I enjoyed this story, and I agree with Sam. The phrasing is just fine and adds meaning to an otherwise ordinary situation.

Thanks a lot Sam and Kael….I always find the best way to start any kind of constructive criticism isn’t with something along the lines of “wow, this is awful”. I’m glad you guys enjoyed it.

LOL things are supposed to happen in stories son, absolutely nothing substantial happens in this story. I’m sure it’s emotionally meaningful to YOU, but why should anybody else reading this care about either of these two people, let alone their relationship with each other? Instead of showing us their relationship with any grace & wit, I see a lot of sloppy, bloated writing where you’re desperately trying to TELL us how meaningful it’s supposed to be

I’m truly enjoying being criticized by people who haven’t written any stories and have no picture or profile. Someone never watched bambi when s/he was younger.

chalkboard, some people don’t know how to read between the lines. They want to be told. This is a sad day in our history.