Dear Santa,

Yeah, I know it’s not like Christmas and all, but I need some advice. I like this girl and she’s pretty, but she doesn’t seem to like me. I know you’re not America’s Next Top Model and you definitely aren’t getting enough action with Mrs. Claus, but it would be nice if for Christmas you can stalk her and send her threatening presents until she agrees to go out with me. I really need a date for the dance and I’ve been such a good boy lately, I think it’s the least I deserve.

Thanks,
Alfonso.