You’ve written a fairly typical, modern tale of unrequited love. With quite a modern feel about it, the biblical reference feels out of place in the character’s stream of consciousness – is it really what they would be thinking about?

You’ve centred your title and punchline around it, but I just find the Tree Of Knowledge analogy a bit grating with the tone of the rest of the piece…

Some good writing, but there’s something missing – it all feels a bit sterile, as though the words are there but the motivation isn’t. And the character’s so self-pitying and angsty I feel more frustration than compassion towards him.

Maybe revise the characterisation a bit, and this could be a decent story… MH :)

ouch dude…mark as mature man!!
Apart from that you’ve done well. For me, a few too many lines begin with “i” but that’s opinion.
I agree with MH that the character is too self-pitying fix that and it’ll be brill
Abby
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