Oooooooh! I can see this blossoming into a great story, Steve. Something spectacular, I’m sure.
Well done!
Also (in conjunction with your newsletter today),hope you’re OK now, Steve.
=))

Thank you sir!

To answer your question, yes I am feeling a bit better. Thank you.

I also see this blossoming into a wonderful story…however, I felt like the last line was a bit off – not really a good reason, that had already been sort of established…but maybe that’s just me =]

Yeah I wasn’t sure about the last line either. Felt it was a bit much. I think in order to end it properly it had to be said, but yeah I agree not sure if that line should be there in dialogue

Oh holy hell this is excellent. On to the sequel with great vigor!

Thanks for the comment Ben!

This has so much potential. Did he really kill the girl? Why would he do that? For some reason this reminds me of The Maltese Falcon despite the setting. The only thing that confused me was the line: “He said to call him when he woke up.” It took me a couple of read throughs to figure out to whom the best friend was referring. :o). I hope you write more to this, or that someone else does. Definitely kept my interest. Well done!

As other people have noted, there is good potential here. I did find “a woman I have never met before, my girlfriend” odd given that the story is written from the first person perspective. The only way I could make sense of it was to interpret it as “a woman I have never met before (it is important for the readers to know that this woman is my girlfriend).” So the narrator seems to be a meta-narrator at times. I don’t think you need that. Consider changing “my girlfriend” to “she,” and “my best friend” to “he.” For much the same reasons, what would happen if you dropped your first paragraph entirely, and started the story with “I have no memories?”