Reminds me a little of ‘The Book Thief’ – the ideas and content here are really good, what lets it down is that the metre is erratic, and you haven’t tailored word choices to fit the structure, so it reads quite messily.

A prominent example is the last line of the first stanza, which clearly doesn’t fit the metre – a quick change to ‘And with everyone watching, has won’ would have the same impact and effect, but also serve the poem better as a whole.

Polish it up and you’ll see radical improvement methinks – but like I said above, the content and philosophies are well thought-out and engaging… MH :)

Thanks so much for the honest feedback, I’ll definitely start to tweak it

I love ‘The Book Thief’! And it kinda reminded me of that too…and with the stuff MH said, this could be super-amazing!

Now you’re making me really interested in reading that book (and, oddly enough, I’m not too fond of reading =p)

I definitely see the major problem now. This is going to be a challenge for sure but I think it could pay off!