I liked it’s feel of being a moment rather than a clear-cut story, it made it seem quite personal, a first hand account.

With regards to readability, I beg you for some clearer paragraphing, because as is it’s messy and lets your content down… Still, a funny little read – MH :)

I tried like hell to insert new paras at “As the..” and “David is..” but the editor would just not accept them! I even got a message saying Ficly had broken down.

But I do repent me of my impatience. You are quite right and the story suffers. I should have deleted the whole thing and done it again. It’s too late now to do that.

- I’ll keep trying every day to get the editor to do its job.

Managed to get it a bit better, but still not 100%.

Better, but, for the future, don’t be afraid to have some really short paragraphs – lines even, because I think as long as there’s a creative reason behind it, it’s totally acceptable, and for something like comedy, it’s definitely appropriate – MH :)