A different direction for me, tell me your thoughts.

Right. I’m not sure what I think about this one – the vocabulary, the structure, the message are all spot-on, but I’m not sure about the voice of your character.

He’s very verbose, and I’m not sure whether that was the right way to pitch what is effectively a dramatic monologue on his love for this woman – maybe it’s not totally believable because it’s so wordy.

That said, I appreciate that you’re challenging yourself as a writer – this isn’t a bad piece of writing, I enjoyed reading it – just make sure with pieces like this what an actual person might actually say.

Good work, admirable in it’s departure from your usual style – I hope the feedback is useful – MH :)

Flashbacks to reading The Odyssey freshman year. I think you do an amazing job of capturing the power of a siren. I think it’s the siren’s song that’s usually so captivating though; a mention of that would be nice. Even so, your third paragraph was great, and I like how the paragraphs get shorter and shorter as he gets closer and closer to her.

Oh I thought the siren reference was a metaphor…

Is it literal?

Your own perfect truth, and for a romantic like me you will never write a better story.
The coup de foudre.

Yeah the siren song was metaphorical. As in she wasn’t actually one, but held the same power over that character.

My main critique would be the back and forth between past and present tense, a pet peeve of mine. Otherwise, a lovely little ode to the enraptured sate of love, for good or bad, or maybe I’m being pessimistic today.

fixed.

A nice passage on love at first sight, though the siren metaphor does seem in contrast to the general feeling of the piece, as they did lead men to their deaths with their false songs of desire and what not.

I had wrestled with myself with the inclusion of that metaphor, however I think the character realizes this and it’s a fate that, if that’s how it turns out, he’s willing to accept.