Verses 1 and 3 share rhythm, and verses 2 and 4 share a different rhythm. This was intentional and I hope you don’t find it jarring.

I like the change in rhythm. It works really well, and for some reason it makes me like it. I have that feeling where I like it but I’m not quite sure why! It makes this comment pretty irrelevant but I really do love it!

You have some tense switching issues, especially in the first stanza, and some of the flow is a bit off due to lines too many words, but overall I like it. It has an interesting story, and a great message.

Also, I love the Iron Giant.

the iron giant rocks

Wow… sounds like someone really blew it.
Great poem, pretty intense.

Well, to be honest, this seems less to me a “rap” song, but it could definitely be written as a full song. Maybe it was just me, but this would seem sooo much better if it had a tune, rather than just a beat.

The short version: I LOVE IT! :D

Was it supposed to be a rap?

oops, someone really screwed up.. great job with the rhythms and rhyme!

Thanks for the comments everyone!

I understand the rhythm change is difficult, but that’s how it played out. As far as the extra syllables, if you could hear it the way I do they would make sense since they’re spoken slightly rushed.

Aaaaand yes, this is actually a rap. With music. :D

What about the iron giant?

Oh yeah… I get it now.

Oh, gritty.

I like the subtle shift from concerned to just mad and condescending that they didn’t heed your earlier advice. I know the feeling.

I like the rhythm switch, but I’m having a trouble with rushing the extra syllables in the right way to make the second and fourth stanzas work. The first and third, though, flow very easily for me. Despite that, I think I like the second and fourth the most, just because I can almost hear the voice saying those lines.

I’ve tried to find ways to avoid the extra syllables. It’s very difficult, because I hate to change the tense of the speaker, and other edits would invariably alter the meaning.

Nice entry!

The rhythm switch struck me at first, but then it made sense. Kinda like the Beastie Boys, throwing thymes back and forth.