You did a great job on this one, you managed to get about a million layers of meaning into the story.

The sense of frustration and love felt by the protagonist is vivid. The Aunt’s are wonderfully oblivious, and have that ‘I was only trying to be nice, I didn’t know that what I said was completely the wrong thing and it upset you’ old person charm.

The watch is a great device, stand in for a ring, invisible through its genericness, but means something specific to two people in particular. I loved that he’s had it buffed so it will be perfect for the next time he goes away.

‘ribbed him teasingly’ seems redundant to me. It seems excessive. Maybe it isn’t though, because I know what you mean— they made fun of him in a lighthearted way— right?

This is chalk full of feeling and the watch being more than just a watch adds a nice sentimental flavor. It’s more conversational in tone, especially toward the end, and I liked that very much.

The pain is beautiful, and the decription gorgeous. I especially love the way the second paragraph is written.

The first line bugs me slightly: “more out of nerves I think; he’d just had it buffed earlier.” — it disrupts the flow or that stanza.

I do wonder why his aunts are discussing it in front of the protagonist, who I assume is the lover, or why he doesn’t reveal the relationship, but such is the mystery of humanity.

It’s such a beautiful sentiment, though. Unfaltering love… or at least, he constantly cares for the protaginsit and she (or he!) stays faithful or dedicated.

Thanks for the great comments and critiques! I reworked that first line to feel a little less jagged. To me, the last paragraph felt like a jumble of short sentences, so I messed with it too.

I think one of the most important and enjoyable things in writing is what’s left to interpretation, and I’m glad the emotion could help that along.

Also, Akheloios, I like the way you described the watch as “invisible through its genericness”. Got me good!

Very cute and sweet story. I like the watch is their little secret symbol of their relationship. Nice job on the reworking. It still starts a bit hard to follow, but in the end it’s all very clear.