Very nice. The descriptions are spot on.

I like the balance of the piece. It begins with long descriptive sentences, slow and ponderous like a sun baked reptile then ramps up to quick clips like a strike.

I see what you did there.

Mammal dies. Reptile lives is a flagship line. Fantastic.

You probably don’t need the last tag at the end. Reader inference gets the job done and you nailed the two lines before.

the chambered tail clenches this piece. well done putting us right in there!

This is very well written, THX. I particularly like the layer of complexity you add to what is essentially a rather simple scene. It’s like you force the reader to see things through a different layer than they normally would— but still manage to stay well within the realm of reason (thus is just your style).

I felt like this sentence took from the feel of the story— “Surprise is the order of the day, a side dish of rodent.” – witty and well-done, but it seemed misplaced to me- it made your dark tone fluctuate and become lighter all of a sudden. I guess it’s a matter of consistency. It’s too cutesy, I ’spose.

But still, nit-picks aside, a tremendous writing ability is on display here. Definitely 5 pencil worthy.

“Shadow to shadow, crevice to crevice” At first I pictured the broken clay of barren, parched earth. I think that description lends well to both the character and the surroundings to provide a very appropriate duality.

All the sounds and tastes made your beautiful descriptions vivid for me. Nice piece!

Thanks for all the nice comments, and Tad’s critiques, which are frankly spot on. I’ll leave the story as is though, since it’s part of a challenge and mostly as a lesson to myself of areas for improvement.

The aliteration is fantastic, it’s hard to get it right, too much, or worse a cowardly nod to it. You got it spot on.

Nice descriptive words. =)