Shiny Ragnarok story. Hate to see Loki dying though, I always thought he had bad PR.

The ‘and.. and..’ broke that first section up a little for me, though that’s all I can find that didn’t sit well.

The paragraph after the first poem was great. A shopping list of things to see destroyed.

I like it. It’s a really good job of taking a myth and making it feel current and personal. The snippets of poetry worked really well too to give it a more weighty feel.

I like the tone and worduse. This is a great little part of something that feels much bigger.

One small crit. The line “…until some other old snake messes it all up…”

I don’t know the phrase “mess it all up” doesn’t seem like it belongs. Sounds to colloquial compared to the rest of the writing.

Overall great job

@BA Boucher
Yeah, you’re right, it didn’t see well with me, either. I might try to rework it.

@THX 0477
Thanks mate, I was trying to go for an old story that recreates a timeless emotion.

@Akheloios
I’m slightly torn. For some reason, when I read it out loud, the “and… and” stuff works, gives the protagonist an antiquated type voice, but I know it’s bad english. Hmm. Difficult one.

I think you did something really interesting here, stylistically, although the plot is something I’m already familiar with, of course.

(oh, and keep the and… and — it does work for this, stylistically, “rules” of English aside)