The first paragraph under May 9th seems a bit rocky, expecially the last sentence. Does it have improper grammar? No matter how I worded it, it sounded verbally awkward. Hints???

I appreciate that you are attempting to write the narration in an informal way— and since your narration has an informal tone— I think you can get away with informal grammar in order to make the voice sound as natural to the character as possible. And yes, in this case, your narrator is a character— or you should think of him/her as one (separate from yourself in a way). So I wouldn’t worry about grammar a ton… as long as you know what rules you are breaking. For example… I’m pretty sure you deliberately left an ‘it’ out to begin the 2nd sentence of that paragraph underneath May 9th, right? — in order to stay consistent with the voice. And it works… but be aware of what you’re doing is all… in case some moron with taped glasses wants to come along and say some nerdy grammar shhh… you can be all, “like whatever. I’m way ahead of you, pshh” :)

“Kinda looks like…” instead of “It kind of looks like…” — and what you did does lend a natural conversational sounding quality.

You should do a couple of prequels that does not mention the imminent unnamed tragedy, but show the president having the time of his life then telling the fattest lie ever.

Interesting premises. Where are you going to take this?

@Tad- I tried to keep his speech casual, because I wanted to show that this terrible happening has made even the President go lax. Thanks for the comments!

@zxvasdf- I think I have an idea for later in the story, but have nothing for a prequel. If you have an idea, go for it!!! A prequel isn’t out of the question, I’d just have to ponder…
Thanks for the feedback!

The best lines were “suffocating patriotically” and “I’d choke on us too.”

Thanks!

Intriguing! I love the mystery and all the wonderful possibilities! MORE!

Thanks for the enthusiasm, I’m working on it!

That first paragraph under May 9th is amazing: a really clear sense of voice and an awesome metaphor. I agree with Jae on those two incredible phrases you came up with. And hey, the accomplishment of describing a sunset in a fresh and original way deserves a medal as far as I’m concerned.

I like your picture icon. I was wondering what it was until I read your biography! I enjoyed reading the story too.