That first paragraph is a killer. Tumbling waves of human relationships and mental processes, and then the slide into action turns the narrative on it’s head.

The nod to style in the 3rd paragraph is a bit cheeky, but fits into the whole stream of conciousness vibe you have going.

Very shiny.

I love the style! It reads almost casually like a joke but with an awesome, and unfortunate, punchline. So COOL. Yep!

There’s a flow here that I think only really works for a really short piece like this. It’s a perspective that I feel would quickly become tiresome in a longer work. Aside from that, though, it’s got a kind of poetry and rhythm to it that reads like a bit of Greek tragedy.