Wow, last line is awesome. It really took my breath away. The details feel so real, the entire thing is a thumbs up. If you have any characters left, trying tossing in some paragraph breaks. They can do wonders for any story. :)

Great first story! Welcome to Ficly! :D

Powerful piece.

I agree with Kihd on this one, paragraph breaks, if possible, would be good here.

Here: http://ficly.com/stories/24627 It works without them, in my opinion anyway.

I second the “welcome!”

Very eye-opening story. I like.

I’d probably add a paragraph but that’s already been mentioned. I felt like there were a few too many repetitious phrases, mainly ‘through those eyes’, but that could just be me. :)

Great story picture. =)