I use rain way too much in my stories. It’s a cliched element, but I just love the feeling it adds.

It’s almost a crutch, I should wean off it.

Pretty good stuff, though could be shortened! The writing is pretty solid – the third paragraph might have been a typo, ‘just like her’.

Haha I think I know how you feel – most of my stories are either in warehouses or in the Middle East, because I’m writing in my room and the fan is broken.

Hey, I love rain too! It’s a wonderful emotional cue and symbol, and I overuse it too but heck with that.

Anyway, this isn’t bad at all. My only complaints are that firstly, there are a small number of punctuation and spelling errors; and secondly, there seem to be a couple of stilted moments in the story’s flow, especially in the dialog. All in all, a solid piece that could easily be polished to a shine. Good work!

I agree with Nickel and DI; one good edit and this is a gem of a story.

So, a few thoughts on edits;

- the line that begins “it takes a few seconds…” I’d just delete then add and action element to the next line of dialogue to indicate that pause.

I lifted my shopping bag from the cart, tucking it under my arm. Gazing into her eyes for a moment to long, I say, “Yeah. I was.”

I also thought it might ratchet up the tension to have the protagonist just walk off into the rain without waving goodbye.

“Goodnight, Lyssa,” I said, walking off into the rainstorm.

This is a good little story…it could make for a fun sequel.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

I tweaked it up in a few places, mostly by fixing my stupid grammatical mistakes. I also edited the 4th and 2nd to last lines.

Cheers!