I think what
I was thinking
when I wrote that
“suicide note”
was:

if I write this,
I can get these feelings
out
and
over with
and I can forget about them
move on
and be
better
soon enough

and that’s what happened
it may have taken a while,
but I somehow
got my feelings under control
and moved on like I planned

I was feeling
terrible

I suppose
you have to be
in order
to write something
like that
but that doesn’t mean
I intended to
take action

because I highly
disagree with
the statement
“actions speak louer
than words”

what I’m afraid of
is
leaving behind the past

you see
half of me
wants to leave
and be independent

and the other half
wants to stay
in the warmth
of childhood
where everything was perfect
and everything seemed good
and ignorance was bliss

that is what I’m scared of
I don’t want to let go
I want to move on
but all this is holding me back

I’m afraid that
if I open up
I’ll be forced to let go
and I don’t know if I’m ready