Interesting choice of a title :)

Um….. the emotions were very intense. But it was a bit too graphic for me.

The first section seems to carry an unlikely thought – if someone was shot in the face, would they really be in the condition to scream? I suppose it would depend on the placement of the shot – but the rest of the piece seems to imply his death (or our UNP would’ve been found out sooner).

Overall this conveyed a sense of undesired events – things haven’t turned out as our UNP intended, but charge is being taken over the details of the inevitable ends.

I love how gritty this is and the final line is awesome.

I love how graphic it is – paints a real picture of the physical, as well as emotional scene. I can understand how it wouldn’t be to everyone’s taste though.

Cool development throughout: I really love it when a story just unfolds as you read it. Keeps you guessing. Last two lines were epic. They made me smile in a ‘not laughing’ way (if that makes sense.)

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. It might be just me, but some of the commas seemed awkward. I think the sentences have a natural rhythm on their own, and don’t need to be broken up by so many commas.

And I love how the title connects. :D

This story punched me in the throat. Initially, the opening line was like dark humor—to shoot someone in the face isn’t necessarily a mortal wound. Fargo comes to mind immediately. However, the mood changes considerably as the adrenaline drenched scene unfolds. The sound of the shot playing in his dreams is really disturbingly wrought and chilling in a Tell-tale Heart kind of way. It’s very fight or flight for sure. What a contemptible character!

Emilou’s right about some of the commas.

And everyone else is absolutely right about the ending—it made me smile. I also like the our first expectation of the police knock isn’t correct—it is in fact her guilty conscience replaying the gunshot. Well done.

I love the last line. The puke to me makes me question weather alcohol was involved or if it was pure emotion that caused that.
To nitpick: For the first sentence of the third paragraph when listing the uhh… landmarks. For the first two you state the possession first and then the object, but the third one isn’t like that. I feel that to make the objects parallel it would flow better to say “his lawn, my car, and my puddle of puke.”

Very powerful! I really liked how the shooting is described as a traumatic event, and how the police knocking on the door doesn’t happen when we first think it does. Apparently it’s only me, but I didn’t understand the last line at all. It looks like a crime of passion, the narrator kills his (or her?) wife’s lover in a fit of jealousy. Can “bitch” mean that, is it just my English that isn’t good enough?

Love this piece. The reveal is steady throughout, with a (literally) killer ending.

Scrawler’s Secret: “my puddle of puke” is a puke that I own, it says nothing of who made it. I think “puddle of my puke” works better. Personal preference being personal, of course.

Good tension, nice progression, and wonderful ending. It grabs you right from the first word.

I loved the last two lines.

Interesting little tale. Leaves many open question, but is also complete in and of itself.

@box, it can be an appropriate word for the story. To be “somebody’s bitch” is to be essentially owned by an abuser. If the protag is not planning to surrender, I think this is good way to communicate that.

The sentence “All I know was waking up to the pounding” confused me. It was the first time that you introduced present-tense, and then you finished the sentence in past-tense. It threw me for a second.

Overall, a little gritty for my taste, but it was well-written. :)

Aha! I love this! The last line is great!

I have no complaints. ^^ I think it’s rather nice.

Overall, rather a nice piece. A couple of points I would pick up on. There’s something about the notion of throwing an object ‘into’ an area of flat land such as a lawn that’s jarring to read, at least to my mind. As for the ending, looking at the last few lines as a whole, the speaker is aware of their impending death, in one way or another, and that last line could be a comment on how they’re taking people down with them. That toy gun is going to prompt the police to kill the speaker, and then the OIS inquiry won’t go so well for the firing officer. Kinda like a last middle finger to the world. Lastly, the title. Timpani. You are clearly asserting that the replaying of the gunshot is like a drumming, rythmic and repetetive. I like it.

Very nicely told. It’s dark indeed, but it felt genuine, like a realistic portrait of a killer who never sets out to be one but winds up on that path. I actually kind of felt for the guy. Also, lots of story crammed into a small space, so well done on that.

I really like this. I like how realistic and gritty it is and the fact that even though the main character is torn up about murdering someone, he still is concerned enough to go out guns-a-blazing, so to speak.

I like the gritty feel in this it’s really interesting

Definitely one of the stronger pieces I’ve read from this challenge. I like the intensity behind this piece. And I want to know what happens next.

A gritty bite-sized piece of hard boiled noir. Winning by losing on your own terms. And nobody gets out alive. Excellent.
Change that “into a lawn” to “onto” and I’ll say it’s nearly perfect.

The three single sentence paragraphs are very strong, each indicates a very different, very distinct thought. I have some ideas on wording and sentence structure but it appears that most people have enjoyed this thoroughly as is. Feel free to note me if you want them.

Other than that I can simply echo other’s sentiments: nice tight story, small enough for ficly, big enough for our imaginations to play. Great job.

gritty and gripping. I liked the idea of a tympani replaying the gunshot.