I like the abrupt ending and the perspective you used of the person awaiting their executioner.

Wonderful tone, I have to say. The way you maintain the plummy voice and attitude is simply excellent. Absolutely perfect as a stand alone piece as well. The line about the steam bath really did make me chuckle! And, as TheWorldIsQuiet said, cool use of the abrupt ending…

Overall, I’m very impressed with this story. Great work.

Thanks very much for entering the challenge, I really appreciate it. And be sure to comment on everyone else’s =)

I liked the rambling, comfortable tone despite the dire situation the narrator was in. I would love to know how he (or she) got into this situation.

Funny how he judges the dear girl, Lady Kamyrir, for her infatuation with lace and skirts— concluding it distasteful. Such high class standards and an apt vocabulary to match any man worth his monocle.

“Adjusting his grey-brown coat, my incognito destroyer turned a pair of non-descript eyes to where I lay.”

This part, quoted above, threw me for a boomarang. It seems you switched from 1st person to 3rd. Or maybe it’s not as clear as who this person is who’s adjusting his coat. Is it the narrator or the man with the filthy face. I hope it’s not just me who got snagged at this point in the story… it’s possible I missed something.

Thanks! It was quite fun to write.

Emilou – It has to do with the young and distractible Lady Kamyrir.

Tad – What I was trying to imply with that line was the fact that our narrator has already been attacked, is wounded and lying on the ground. I didn’t have enough characters to accomplish this, but I suppose something along the lines of “…to where I lay in a patch of my rain-diluted blood.” would’ve conveyed the idea with greater clarity.

I agree with Tad but other than that, awesome job!

Nice job with the little details that painted a larger picture, with the political machinations and other characters. And the phrase “In hazy hindsight” gains new significance after the end—it leaves some questions hanging about death.

Also, probably due to being in the middle of Hamlet, I really enjoy the antiquated tone.

Oh, and yeah, upon reading the comments I have to say I got snagged at the same point as Tad—it made me go back and reread for clarity, so that part might want some revision. Other than that very well done.

Haha, I really enjoyed it! That over-elaborate style made me want to murder the narrator… and then she dies! Perfect! evil villain laugh

Very fun! Steampunk intrigue with fashion and murder at the forefront. It took me reading the tags to really understood what happened but the abruptness helped. Excellent.

I’m a vocabulary freak. I love seeing new word or words I know but don’t see often. Refreshing.

Refreshingly analytical for a stream of last thoughts. Same little criticism as others, but easily fixed.

‘Being as…’ is one of my least favorite grammatical constructions. It’s awkward and somewhat bad form, and there are usually better ways to phrase that construction.

That said, this is an otherwise excellent piece, and I love the abrupt ending.

Thanks everyone!

Jim – I see what you mean, but it’s worded to imply a certain style.

Example:
“Why, i’ faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise. Only this commendation I can afford her, that were she other than she is, she were unhandsome, and being no other but as she is, I do not like her.” (Benedict, Much Ado About Nothing)

Steampunk aristo meet a grisly end at the hands of a pleb assassin… What a great set up, and a very unusual point of view!

@RoseTone – Point taken. :)

I adored this. Giggled all the way through the narrator’s last thoughts. Very tongue-in-cheek. And his greatest concern about his assassin was a dirty face. hee.

Also, that’s one of my favorite lines from Much Ado. ;)

Perfect! I loved this! I love how you cut off the character’s sentence at the eennnd!

AAAHHHHH AWESOME

This was brilliant. From concept to practice, it was completely awesome. There’s been a lot of picking over your vocabulary in the comments. Some people don’t understand the necessity for antiquated speech when it comes to steampunk.

In a word?

Brava.

Bizarrely layered with court intrigue. I found that amusing, the tone of careful almost haughty or preoccupied consideration of all this familial and political stuff while, if I read it right, someone is trying to kill him.

Like the abrupt ending to it, leaves much thought to what would happen next

Curious tone, interesting way of setting the stage in motion. My mind wandered in a different direction at first, seeing a different scene relating to the balcony, but when I realized what was going on, I quickly snapped back into what was happening.

I like how you wrote this. It’s a little all over the place but that fits with the narrator’s situation I think and helps set the scene for the story. Well done stuff here

I love the narrator’s voice. You’ve mastered the antiquated, neo-Victorian tone. Very well done.
Usually I find the made-up fantasy world names annoying and distracting, but trying to figure out how to pronounce “Trenkich” and “Kamyrir” was pretty fun.

I had to re read as well but great perspective lol Sounds like me

Loved the descriptions of the victorianesque sub-plots. Well done.