oooh… so creepy, but optimistic at the same time. I like to think that tearing it down is a way to start over, or like tearing off a bandaid. Good job!!

My first thought is that INSIDE the wall is where the fire resides – my second wonders whether the fire is beyond the wall.

I have to confess, I really REALLY prefer the my initial reading – soooooo that’s how I’m viewing it. XP

Given that view it seems inevitable that the protagonist will experience no little discomfort from their task.

This really puts me in mind of Dante’s Divine Comedy – obviously, Inferno.

Nice atmosphere. There are some structural/stylistic quibbles that, if addressed, would make the story really shine, I think (really only the first and 2nd-to-last paragraphs, the rest are great). For instance, “I stood at a dead end, a dead end that was also my destination.” It’s unnecessarily wordy—it repeats redundant information. Putting “the dead end” twice in a row I think actually lessens its impact; it would be more efficient to just say the phrase once. Similarly, “The height of it extended out of sight, and the length of it curved out of sight” could really just be “the height and length of it curved out of sight”, and if you still want pizazz, cap it off with a simile (“like the skullcap of some planet-sized golem”, or something).

The rest of it works fantastically well, though. Good imagery with the old man and his face. Sets up a dread and mystery in that the wall stands for something much bigger.

“When we was done” I am assuming there is a typo there?

Strange, dream-like ficly. Subconscious message of some sort for the character?

This story comes across as dream-like, somehow. Certainly mysterious. Nitpick: “its surface”.

Thanks everything for the critiques. I fixed the typos that were mentioned too. Stovohobo, I understand where you are coming from about the repetition but what you are saying I should rid is actually the purpose of it. I wanted to down play that information to give it more of a dream like quality rather than intense and nightmarish.

However, your comment pointed out to me a mismatch about the word choice of stutter. Thanks!

There are actually three repetitions fairly early on: dead end (which you said was purposeful), out of sight, and the phrase ‘Hellfire burns within these walls’. The repetition is a little distracting but it certainly does deliver the dream-like effect that you desire. I liked the story, it felt very Wraith: The Oblivion to me. So very glad to see you writing again!

I love this piece. Dark, moody, with a real touch of epic-fantasy. The wizened old man gives real mood and the repetition works well, I feel (I guess I’m in a minority on that front). I am simultaneously intrigued and terrified at what the protagonist will unleash when they breach it.

Honestly, I got a bit lost during this story, but that may be because I am tired. I really enjoyed the phrase, “…allowing his wrinkles to droop…” That is in image I could really visualize.

Being in a pretty deep mood (for once(!)) I read this in a pretty metaphorical sense. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great intro for a fantasy piece but I like the idea of thinking that sometimes you have to face something scary to prevent something worse from happening. That interpretation also makes it stand alone better – the message as the sole point.

I got a ‘horror’ feel off it. But I think you played the dream angle well with the character being in such control. Also, first person implies that they survived.

I don’t think you need the comma here: “dressed in white, with golden tassels” and " I looked at the wall again" could be its own sentence to build suspense perhaps.

Great job overall! Nice idea presented well. Thanks for entering, congrats on the feature, and don’t forget to comment on all the other entries. =)

Being in a deep mood (for once(!)) I read this in a pretty metaphorical sense. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great intro for a fantasy piece but I like the idea of thinking that sometimes you have to face something scary to prevent something worse from happening. That interpretation also makes it stand alone better – the message as the sole point.

I got a ‘horror’ feel off it. But I think you played the dream angle well with the character being in such control. Also, first person implies that they survived.

I don’t think you need the comma here: “dressed in white, with golden tassels” and " I looked at the wall again" could be its own sentence to build suspense perhaps.

Great job overall! Nice idea presented well. Thanks for entering, congrats on the feature, and don’t forget to comment on all the other entries. =)

“When he was done” is a bit redundant here, I think, and interrupts the story flow just a skosh. Shuddering holds the implicit idea that it happens in just a second or two. Personally, I think it would read a little better to drop those four words and just start that sentence at “He looked at me.”

That said, I love pieces like this that are wrapped in mystery and magic. It has a hint of darkness to it, both from the wall holding back the fire and the wizened old man who may (or may not) be more than he appears.

Jim Stitzel. You know what? I agree. Good point about the nature of a shudder. I have edited it accordingly.

And Abby It actually is meant to be metaphorical.

Yay! I read something right for once =D

Dreamlike. I wonder what the significance of the wall is, what it stands for, and why it needs to be taken down instead of letting it fall as I imagine the outcome would be the same. There’s a lot of imagery and not a lot of explanation or accessible logic. Everything in it stands for something else. Nothing seems literal. Just like a dream.

I am a bit confused… But that might just be my 7th grader brain kicking me in the teeth. Ehe.

STILL! I liked it. c:

I love the implications of choosing to bring something down yourself when you know its inevitable. :)

It read like an allegory for personal growth and the therapeutic process, but that may be on account of my professional bias. Nicely told.

wow sounds amazing! would love to see it as a full story

I’ve got Pink Floyd running through my head: TEAR DOWN THE WALL! I’m curious to see where this leads.

I’ve got Pink Floyd running through my head: TEAR DOWN THE WALL! I’m curious to see where this leads.

I typed a comment. It was awesome. I talked about my views. Then ficly didn’t like it and I can’t be bothered to type it out again. It was very long.

I edited the first paragraph, I didn’t eliminate the repetition but I did delete what I feel was a redundancy.

On a separate note. I may yet be convinced to make a prequel or sequel.

I liked the dark fantasy feel of this piece. Is the wall real, or just in his mind? I like how it’s left ambiguous. Adds to the dreamlike feeling. Very nice.